Run From the Light
by GoddessofSnark
Summary: Romano's thoughts during Chaos Theory after he gets his arm chopped off.


Disclaimer: Don't own ER, or the plot from Chaos theory, or that he dies on the table but they shock him to life, but I do own what he sees in those few little moments.  
  
***  
  
I can see them, they're down there, what do those idiots think that they're doing. And why am I floating here, why can I look down on them. I see myself on the ground, I can see what I look like, with them around me. I've never been sick before at anything, I've never thrown up once at anything I saw, and I've seen some pretty gross stuff, but the fact that I can see myself, see how grievous that wound is, it makes me sick, it makes me hurl.  
  
I watch them, I follow them as they take me downstairs. They've cleaned out the hospital, and there's no one left. The lights are all off, it's so dark in there. They're surrounding me, why isn't Lizzie there? I'd be happy if Lizzie was there, I'd feel safe if she was. She was always so comforting, she's so angelic, she didn't have to go back to England, she was home here, you could see it in her, when I first met her, she didn't like England much.  
  
But she's not here, I wish she was though. She at least knows what she's doing, not like these idiots. Luka and Susan. Igor and the Dumb Blonde. I can't even get someone good. And some random paramedic, that's about it. At least I'm in better hands with Susan and Luka than I would be with Carter, or Gallant. They at least have some knowledge as to how to do this. He's using his belt as a tourniquet on my arm. I never realized he was that skinny, or that my arm was that fat.  
  
There's a bright light coming closer. But I'm flying above them. I can fly away from the light. I know enough from what I've heard to stay as far away from the light as possible. I can't give up now, I'm no Carol Hathaway, I've never wanted to die. Not since my teenage years, not since I graduated from med school. I've got a lot going for me now. As miserable as I am, I'm one of the best surgeons in the world, and I know it.  
  
And I'm not going to let them get the best of me, no matter what I do. It's not that bad of an injury. I'm bleeding to death, but it's a clean cut, they just have to patch it up, that's all, they have to stop the arterial bleed, and that's it, it's easy, hell even Carter could do it. Even Abby the little med-student that couldn't could save me. They're wheeling me down in the elevator now, they seem almost good looking now.  
  
They've got a strange blue glow around them, and I don't know why. It's beautiful though, not as beautiful as Lizzie, but it's beautiful. Why can't she be here, I can see her next to me. She's here with me, she's next to me, saving me. The bright light's getting closer, and it's dragging on me, it's pulling me towards it, and I'm grabbing onto anything for dear life, literally. I can't let myself slide into the light, no matter what I do.  
  
But it's pulling me closer. And there's people in there. People in there to talk to me. I can see them. there's Mandy, what's she doing here? She was the reason why I'm so miserable, did she come to haunt me now too? And Mark Greene's there, what's he doing waiting for me. I know why they're there, they're waiting for me to give up and walk into the light, they're waiting for me to die, they have wings now though, they're pretty wings.  
  
"Bobby." Is all Mandy can say. She was the only one that could get away with calling me that. "Bobby, turn around, it's not your time." She calls to me. I want to run to her, I want to tell her how it was all my fault. It's the one way that I'm so much like Carter, though I'll never admit it. He had his Lucy Knight, I have my Mandy, we've both loved, and we've both felt responsible for our losses. She fades backwards as Greene steps forward.  
  
"Romano, Lizzie needs someone to love her." How did he know how much I love Lizzie? How did he know how much I wish she could be here right now? "Go back and love her." the bright light's fading away, and I feel a pull backwards. I see Luka and Susan again, they're around my body and they look tense. I know why now too, I know why they're so tense, I know what's happened. The blue glows fading fast and I feel myself being yanked towards my bed.  
  
I speak, I say something, and they all look happy. I thought they'd look happier when I died, I know how much they don't like me, I know how much they downright hate me. I have to thank them sometime though. I don't know if I'll ever go right out and say it, but I'll do it in my own special way, they saved me, I'm grateful to them. They saved my life, even though they hate me, and I have to thank them for them, I have to be grateful for them. 


End file.
